My consternation was piqued when two friends recently tied
the knot. They shared over a decade of
history and 3 kids, so you could argue that the marriage bit was just a
formality. But to them it wasn’t; it meant a heck of a lot, especially as one
of them had done it before, only to experience a miserable divorce just a few
years later. So this was the opposite of
a rush-job; meticulously planned with every detail given due thought and
consideration.
The bride isn’t a Brit so the main ceremony took place in
her home town overseas, then they had a wonderful British wedding party so that
all their local friends could celebrate with them. The venue was stunning, the sun shone and the
champagne flowed; Reader it was fab and all the guests agreed that everything was
pretty perfect. Until, that is, towards
the end of the night when the rumour started circulating that the groom had
taken the bride’s surname.It was a bit like a fart in a lift in that nobody wanted to be the first to mention it. It fell to a rather inebriated gentleman to bring up the subject which he did in what I thought was a particularly delicate and sensitive manner. The exchange went something like this:
Pissed bloke: “Oi! I just heard that you’re changing your name
to hers?”
Groom: “That’s right,
I am”
PB: “What the **** d’ya
want to do something like that for?”
Groom (impressively still sporting an engagingly polite
smile): “Well we decided it was easier
for one of us to change, ie me, rather than her and all the kids having to
change theirs. It’s no biggie”PB: “***** me! Wouldn’t catch me doing something like that – no way!”
Now isn’t that just so supportive? I must admit we had stolen the march on most of the guests as we'd seen the happy couple just the week before for a pre-wedding celebration (it’s any excuse to pop open a bottle or 3 at our gaff) and they’d told us about the surname decision then. My reaction had been to say well done, open another bottle of fizz and congratulate them on putting the flagstones on yet another step towards true equality. And I meant every word.
When I got married it didn’t even occur to me to change my
surname. Why would I? It was part of me, no, not just part of me,
it WAS me. Why would I want to suddenly,
at the age of 29, acquire a new identity?
I generously offered to share my surname with my husband-to-be, but he
had similar views to mine where his identity was concerned so we just stayed as
we were. We were married, we knew it and
all our friends and family knew it. I
viewed it as a simple, personal choice that would be respected by all who knew
me, at that time and in the future.
Now I happen to loudly and proudly refer to myself as a feminist
and I always have done. I consider it to
be neither a dirty word nor a complicated one. I believe men and women are equal and should therefore
be treated as such. Neither gender should dominate the other, and from the
moment of birth, the same opportunities should be open to all including later
on, the choice of which name to adopt upon marriage. My kids will parrot “there’s no such thing as
boys’ toys or girls’ colours” because I’ve taught them they can wear what they
like and play with what they like. I’ve
never understood why a parent would automatically bar their child from fifty
per cent of experiences anyway. Bonkers.
If you struggle with the concept of feminism, then the
journalist and author Caitlin Moran neatly sums it up by posing the question: ‘do
you have a vagina?’ and ‘do you want to be in control of it?’ and apparently if
the answer to both questions is ‘yes’ then congratulations, you are a feminist.
Simple huh? Only it’s not apparently.
My first Christmas as a married woman was a revelation when
cards from all our dear friends, many of whom had been at our wedding, began to
plop onto the doormat. Despite everyone
being made aware of the fact that I hadn’t changed my name, I would say that
about seventy per cent of the cards were stubbornly addressed to Mr & Mrs D..... Some of them were old fashioned enough to
write to Mr & Mrs P D.....,
thus not only stripping me of my surname, but of my own initial too. And as we all know, generally speaking who is
it that writes most of the Christmas cards?
Yes, the women.
My new in-laws committed the faux pas too, but somehow I can
forgive more easily the older generation their outdated views, but my peers who
themselves claimed to be believers in equality?
Much harder to accept, especially when I was happy to respect their
choices to take their husband’s surname. I didn’t feel the need to continually address
them by their maiden name just to prove my point.
At the time I felt irrationally upset by what I saw as our
friends’ obstinate reversion to a bygone age where women ‘knew their place’. ‘I’m different! ‘I wanted to shout and
yell ‘I make my own rules! I have my own name! But I calmed down and came to realise it’s
not me, it’s them. It’s other people who
are most disturbed when a woman makes a stand, however small. And I have some experience of making a stand
and refusing to let other people tell me what is and isn’t possible purely
because of my gender.
I’ve spent most of my professional life operating in a man’s
world, first at Halfords, then inside the Ministry of Defence, then as Defence and
Security Producer for the BBC and latterly as a property developer sporting
(pink) steel toe capped boots and hardhat, bossing builders around. At each juncture I’ve had to stand tall and
prove my worth and knowledge as men (and occasionally a few women) tried their
best to talk over me and ignore what I’ve had to say. I guess I must be drawn to the challenge but
I’ve never yearned to be a man, I
love being a woman but being able to choose how I work it.
I’m sure that the less charitable among you are now
concluding that I was probably born with a tad too much testosterone or
something, but let me assure you that I can rock a skirt/blouse/heels combo and
talk kids and home with the best of them.
And no, I don’t shave my face or arms.
Life should be about having the freedom to choose and being
true to who you are and I take my hat off to my newly married friends with
their new (for him anyway) joint surname and I wish them every happiness. After all, he’s only doing what women have
done for millennia and if we’re all truly equal then where is the quandary? I don’t see one and neither should you.