What is happiness?

This morning I caught an interview on the Today Programme with George Vallient, the director of a study into happiness at the Harvard Medical School, http://news.bbc.co.uk/today/hi/today/newsid_9769000/9769443.stm
who was talking about what is happiness or rather, the things that make people feel happy.  In his own words "true life fulfilment is about relationships....... happiness is the wrong word as it's too close to hedonism".  Apparently having a loving family is far more important than being in the possession of a huge trust fund - so far so obvious you might say.  One only has to glance around at all the 'poor little rich kids' prancing around clad head to toe in designer whatever, on the surface full of confidence, entitlement and poise, but underneath?  A bit of a mess in most cases.  But what I found intruiging is that he went on to stress that even for someone who grew up without emotional stability and loving parents, it's never too late.

I concur with this because my own upbringing was pretty messy: two parents who stayed married for 28 years, but were perpetually at war, a war mostly of the cold variety but with episodes that could 'go nuclear'.  I had a father who would go silent for weeks or sometimes months on end.  He would be there but not be there if you get my drift.  A great hulking presence would lurk around the house, at night sleeping on the sofa, by day not looking or speaking to any member of the family until he began to 'thaw' a bit and then would gradually resume family life and we'd all breathe a sigh of relief - until the next time.  It wasn't always clear what set these great sulks off; sometimes one of us kids would kick off and that might get the blame.  Other times it was an argument with mother over something so tiny, you'd be forgiven for not associating the act with the enormous strop that followed.

Looking back it's slightly ludicrous that an adult and father of 4 could regularly behave in such a way and still expect his kids to respect his views and authority - when he was communicating with us that is.  My mother kind of soldiered on, sometimes trying to get through to him, sometimes not.  For most of those years she was quite probably clinically depressed of course, but 30-odd years ago, depression didn't get the attention that it does now.  She did an admirable job in many ways, being the constant loving parental figure in such a dysfunctional household, but with hindsight, the fact that she always pathetically and gratefully 'took back' my father when he emerged from a super-sulk didn't really set a great example about self-respect or boundaries.  She also used me as a sympathetic pair of ears - well let's face it with such a sulker of a husband there often wasn't anyone else for her to talk to!  But it meant that I knew way too much about adult stuff way too early.

On the ghastly occasions when their war went 'hot' and violence erupted, as the eldest of the 4, I took it upon myself to try and shield the younger ones as much as possible.  I remember herding them into my bedroom and turning up the music on my stereo to drown out the fighting coming through the thin walls.  Like most kids trapped in abusive households, we didn't really discuss the situation.  My dream was to pass my driving test and get a little car so that I could quickly bundle my siblings up and literally spirit them away to spare them the sight of their parents slugging it out - again.

Anyway I digress.  I really think George Vallient has hit the nail on the head about relationships equalling happiness as he says that emotional intelligence is actually the key.  Having witnessed first hand the gamut of human emotions during my formative years, I reckon my emotional intelligence is quite well developed.  I guess it was sheer survival that at a very young age I learned to 'read' people and 'know' their personality type pretty much within the first few minutes of meeting them.  I can't describe how it happens but I'm not often wrong about how someone will behave.

I also agree with George Vallient when he states that a dodgy start in life is in no way a guarantee of disaster.  Thankfully I do not seem, thus far, to have repeated my parents' mistakes although I'm sure to make new ones all of my own.  I have found and married a wonderful man and together we are concentrating on bringing up our own children in a unified and peaceful environment.  I aim to give my son and daughter something I never had: a rock-solid foundation from which they can go out and discover the world.  I know from experience that shifting sands are no place from which to launch children upon the world and expect them to thrive.

But to those readers who had similarly disturbed beginnings, remember - what doesn't kill you definitely makes you stronger.