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Friday 22 November 2013

Age has its compensations

Reader, I am slumped on my sofa, fresh from a rather testy road-rage altercation right here in the middle of Sevenoaks.   Yes I know, you're as shocked as I am.  This genteel town,  perched delicately on the edge of the north Downs, a chalky landscape which serves as a stunning backdrop and a handy barrier between us (Sennockians) and them (greater Londoners), a place where nothing bad ever happens.

Until you're driving down a narrow road with parked cars all the way down one side and a distinct lack of any passing places that is. Then all hell breaks loose.  I have the misfortune to use this particular road quite a lot as it's the most direct route to my children's school and on the days when we cannot walk or cycle, we jump in the car.  In my opinion this road really should be subject to a one-way system as commuters park all down the one side and people try to drive along it from all directions.

This afternoon as I was leaving the school, kids in the back seat, all of us knackered and saying TGI Friday, I had made it along half of this road when a car suddenly was bearing down on us clearly with no intention of stopping.  I slowed and weighed up my options, bearing in mind that all the parked cars were on the other side of the street so technically I had right of way. However I travel this route often enough to know that that rarely makes a difference.

So I reversed, just enough for the other car to nip into a space on their side so that I could mount the small pavement and make it past.  I could see the mouths of the girls in the other car working furiously as they gestured that I should reverse all the way back to where the line of parked cars began so that they could continue in a straight line.  You know when something irks you and a slight red mist descends?  Yes, I got a bit fed up by this point and pointed to the space and indicated that they should turn their steering wheel and go into it.

Eventually they did, with a great deal of huffing and puffing and gesticulation in my general direction.  As I pulled alongside I put down my window and coolly, with a raised eyebrow, enquired if anything was the matter.  Reader, I know what you're thinking - why didn't I just drive past and continue on my way?  Well to be honest because by that point I didn't damn well feel like it and when you're a lady of a certain age, if you don't damn well feel like doing something - you simply don't.

These youngsters were trying their best to give me a piece of their (clearly tiny) minds with a bit of 'eff' this and 'eff' that thrown in for good measure.  I pointed out that since I had young kids in the back they really should quit with the bad language.  "I've got a little girl myself that I've got to pick up NOW!" the spottier of the two screeched back at me.  I returned serve with a pithy 'well in that case you should know better than to use such foul language'.  I added that it wouldn't hurt to give the Highway Code a once over and then they would see that actually, I had right of way.

"Oh f*** off! Just f******g  move!" yelled the fat one, her beady little face contorted with the rage of someone who has plenty of anger to vent but nothing of value to say.  Regretfully I shook my head at them.  'Oh dear, there you go again', I tutted with a frown, enjoying their frustration of not actually being able to drive off as I was still blocking their exit.  "Old people shouldn't be allowed to drive!" she spat just as I had selected first gear and was beginning to ease away.

I stopped, the space behind me just tantalisingly too small for them to drive through.  I gazed at them levelly with the wonderful confidence that comes with age. 'Are you quite finished? Are you?' I enquired, enjoying the feeling that I was successfully now messing not only with their heads but with their entire day.  They ranted on for a bit longer in a similar vein but now I was conscious that the traffic was building up and the pedestrians were also blocked by my half-on-the-pavement car.

So Reader, you'll be so pleased to know that I resisted the urge to use my substantial and well-built car as a weapon and ram their little Peugeot to kingdom come, although the feeling of satisfaction would have been almost worth it.  And in that parallel universe I would have sat there calmly, observing the looks of horror on their squat little faces and the steam rising from their concertina'd bonnet, and do you know what I would have said just before driving off?  'Face it girls, I'm older and I have more insurance'.

1 comment:

  1. How did I miss this little gem? Good on you, girl. I can just picture you in "calm" mode putting those girls in their place. Such fun!

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