Things nobody tells you about becoming a parent - part 1

OK here's one for you: when is it acceptable to admonish someone else's child? Answers on a postcard please. I thought I knew the answer but just now, I'm not so sure. Before I go on I must tell you that I have never, in my whole decade of being a parent, gone up to someone else's child and had a go at them for upsetting mine. God knows but I've been tempted, several times, once most memorably, at a birthday party. The very child who had apparently been making my offspring's life a living hell for weeks,(tears, school refusal, loss of appetite, acute anxiety) came within touching distance at the same time as everyone else leaving the room. Reader I had to suppress the almost animal instinct rising rapidly within my breast. What I longed to do was to grab said child, push them up against the wall and croak evilly into their ear something along the lines of "you stay away from my child, d'you hear me?" and watch with satisfaction as they trembled and shook and slid to the ground like an unset jelly. Of course what I actually did was...nothing. Not even an evil eyeball moment. The child wasn't looking at me anyway, being more absorbed in the contents of the party bag they'd just been given. Another reason for demonstrating such admirable self control (I know, it came as a shock to me too), was that I really felt I wanted my child to think of a way to sort out the problem for themselves rather than having mummy get involved. This is how we equip our kids for life; for every difficult situation that they survive now, the learning curve will be huge and will stand them in good stead later on. But the best laid plans and all that, a few weeks later I found myself having a discreet word with the offending child's mum as the situation was deteriorating and getting more personal. The mum is a good friend and having her on board seemed to do the trick. The playground politics improved and now they are friends. The fact is, no matter how clear cut a situation seems, what a parent must, must comprehend is that from their child's mouth they have only been fed one side of the story. And you don't have to be a journalist to realise that to every single story, there are always at least two sides. Clearly there are exceptions to this; if it's an adult doing something bad to a child or if a person is suddenly attacked in the street by a complete stranger then without doubt there is a completely innocent party involved. But when you're dealing with primary school kids in a playground, well, unless you were there in a fly on the wall capacity, you know nothing for sure. This leads me onto several things about being a parent which no-one ever warns you about. 1. At some point your child may be the victim of a bully. The pain that you will experience as a result of this will be like nothing else you have ever known. It will dominate days of waking (and possibly sleeping) time. You will feel so helpless and yet strangely murderous at the same time. 2. At some point your child may be accused of being a bully. The bewilderment you will feel will occupy acres of brain-space. You will ask all your friends and family members if they think your child is evil/manipulative/a liar *delete as appropriate* and you will turn conversations over and over in your mind, seeking a glimpse, just a chink of truth that you can cling to in the hope that the accuser has got it wrong. 3. You are only as happy as your least unhappy child. This is applicable to any given moment of family life. Think about it; you're on a cross channel ferry and one child is sea-sick: nobody can relax and enjoy the journey. You've been offered a fabulous, well-paid position at work which will do more than just financially keep your head above water: one of your children is in tears each morning as the new child-care arrangement means they feel they don't have enough time to get all their homework done. You can't enjoy your work until it's sorted. 4. Your own personal needs can never come first ever again. If you do (as I did just last night in fact) get grumpy with one of your offspring because they keep getting out of bed to tell you they can't go to sleep and you shout at them to "just go back to bed!" because you're feeling desperate as it's now 8.30pm and you really need to sit down and eat some dinner as you've been at work all day and haven't stopped to draw breath since walking in the door at 6.30...well you get guilt-induced indigestion as suddenly you're trying to eat against a backdrop of child crying themselves to sleep. Fact. Back to admonishing someone else's child then, a quick and massively unscientific poll taken from fellow mums reveals the following opinions: 'S' - "I think it's ok if you're in charge of that child, if what they are doing is dangerous/silly, if you know the parents well enough that you know they would react in the same way and wouldn't mind you doing so" 'G' - "if the kid is biting one's own offspring and rather than telling off said kid, the mother attempts to 'distract' her child, thus epitomising one aspect of nervous, middle-class parenting or if the kid is very annoying and the mother is weak willed" ('G' who has a colourful way with words, actually used phrases other than 'telling off' and 'weak willed' but in the interests of propriety I've paraphrased a little...) 'W' - "when the parent isn't there and the issue needs immediate action or if serious and parent is there but doesn't say anything" 'B' - "when they are in your home and not following your house rules, of if hurting your child (or any child!). Maybe for rudeness of bad language" So there you have it. To sum up; if at all possible sort it out with the parent, not the child, and if in doubt then don't. And remember, there are always two sides to every tell-tale unless you've seen and heard the entire event unfold before your very eyes.......